Little Johnny comes downstairs crying.
His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?”
“Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears.
“That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?
“I did!” sobbed Johnny.
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Do you know where God is, son?”
The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?!”
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE is GOD?!”
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked “What happened?”
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time!”
“GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!”
Little Johnny was at school one day when the teacher asked the kids if they could use the word definitely in a sentence.
Well the first little girl raised her hand and said, “Well the trees are definitely green.” The teacher said “No not really because the trees turn yellow red and brown in the fall.
The next little boy raised his hand and said, “The sky is definitely blue.” The teacher said, “No not really because the sky can be all different colors.”
From the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand and asked, “Do farts have lumps?” The teacher said, “No Johnny of course not, that’s silly.” Then Johnny said, “Well then I definitely shit my pants!”
A man and his little boy were walking through the park when a honeybee landed near them.
The boy ran over and stomped on it. The father gave him a lecture
about having respect for living things and added,
“Just for that you can’t have any honey for two weeks!”.
Pretty soon a butterfly landed near them. The boy ran over and stomped on it.
Again, the father gave him a lecture and added,
“Just for that you can’t have any butter for two weeks!”.
When they got home, they went into the kitchen, and a cockroach ran across the floor.
The mother ran over and stomped on it.
The boy said to his father,
“Well do you want to tell her, or shall I?”.
A few days before her birthday a husband asked his wife, “Dear, what would you like for your present?”
Wife: I really don’t think I should day.
Husband: How about a diamond ring?
Wife: I don’t care much for diamonds.
Husband: well, the, a mink coat?
Wife: You know I do not like furs.
Husband: A golden necklace?
Wife: I already have three of them.
Husband: Well, gosh, what do you want?
Wife: What I’d really like is a divorce
Husband: Hmmm, I wasn’t planning on spending that much
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied.
He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
Where have you been!” demanded his wife when he entered the house.
“Darling, I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary, and we’ve been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until 8.00 p.m.”
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You lying bastard!
You’ve been playing golf!!”
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.
The husband comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks.
“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.
The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?”
The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your a***s, didn’t it?”
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.”Oh, we’ll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship,” the husband explained. “She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. She communicates well and I act like I’m listening.”
A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining of a terrible phobia.
“Every time I lay down on my bed I get this terrible fear that there is something underneath.
“Wow” responded the psychiatrist “I’ve never heard of such a phobia, but like all phobias it can be treated, but it will likely take around 20 sessions.” “OK” responded the lady
“how much is each session?”
“Oh it’s just $80 a session, but trust me it’s well worth it.”
When the lady didn’t come back to the psychiatrist he gave the lady a call.
“How come I didn’t hear from you? He asked.”
“Well” responded the lady
“when I came home and told my husband about the cost he thought he would save some money, he just cut the legs off the bed!”
The mommy Cobra with her little son are taking a “walk”. The little cobra asks;
-Mommy, are we poisonous?
-Yes, we are. Why you ask?
The little cobra asks again;
-Are you sure that we’re poisonous?
-Yes I am! says the mom with pride.
The little one asks again;
-Are you very very sure that we’re very poisonous?
-Damn sure! We’re the most poisonous snakes in the whole world! But why you ask?
The little cobra burst into tears;
-Cause I bit my tongue a bit before!!!!
