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Writing Job Descriptions

Describe your own job in one sentence

1.    Help people hate each other: Divorce Lawyer
2.    Stand on a field and get yelled at for hours: Baseball Umpire
3.    Talk in other people’s sleep: College Professor
4.    Call people who know what they’re doing and ask them what they’re doing: Incident Manager
5.    Show people how beautiful the Earth would be without them: Mountain Landscape Photographer/Climber
6.    Make people feel bad about their work: Quality Assurance Tester
7.    Repeatedly fix what you repeatedly break: IT Director
8.    Clean up an animal that makes more money then me in a year: Assistant Horse Trainer
9.    Write words that no one wants to read: Technical Writer
10.    Make food that is as healthy before it goes in your body as when it comes back out: Fast Food Employee
11.    Read things that don’t matter, then write papers saying they do matter, for points that don’t matter, in order to get a job doing something totally unrelated: Student
12.    Take numbers on pieces of paper, rearrange them and put them on different pieces of paper: Tax Accountant
13.    Explain big words to sales people and then cower before customers while trying to convince them that the sales people really didn’t say what the customers understood: Customer Solutions Engineer
14.    Learn laws created ages ago so that I can tell engineers why I’m smarter than they are while complaining how it’s a travesty that they get paid more: Physics major
15.    Show you innovative ways to burn money in the spirit of patriotism: Fireworks Stand Manager
16.    Help people lie consistently to their bosses: Business Intelligence Consultant
17.    Teach your kids enough to complain but not enough to make a difference: College Teacher
18.    Pass poisonous gas on command: Research Assistant in solid state ammonia storage
19.    Make people who are already filthy rich somewhat richer by duping poor people into buying stuff they don’t need: Corporate Software Engineer
20.    Find as many synonyms for “explosion” as possible: Novelist for Teenage Boys
21.    Supervise the guys and gals who try to protect the good people from the bad, only to be hated by the good people AND the bad: Police Sergeant
22.    Make corporate propaganda feel like folksy truthisms: TV Ad Director
23.    Manage waste recycling, promotion & sales: Antiques Dealer
24.    Arrive after the battle and bayonet all the wounded: Auditor
25.    Sell gas: Energy and Telecom Business Analyst
26.    Tell forty year-old men it’s okay to behave like fourteen year-old school girls: Printing Press Production Coordinator
27.    Provide arcane information on a need-to-know basis: Chief Accountant
28.    Shepherd clients through the process of setting their products on fire: Consumer Products Tester
29.    Manage urban renewal and pest control: B-52 Bomber pilot
30.    Persuade kids that it’s really fun being wet, cold and scared out of their minds: Sailing Instructor
31.    Draw up plans for something that will not be built according to those plans: Civil Engineer, Transportation Design
32.    Teach kids to be evil…or so they say: Video Game Creator
33.    Ensure that stupid people stay in the gene pool: Lifeguard
34.    Spend most of the day looking out the window: Pilot
35.    Wear a tuxedo and smash metal plates into each other: Musician
36.    Go to strange people’s houses and take their money: Pizza Delivery Boy
37.    Sell gluttony: Cinema Concession Stand Attendant
38.    Tell people that they can’t spend money they thought they had: Government Analyst
39.    Take pictures of the unlucky and the stupid: X-ray Technician
40.    Profit from the misfortunes of others: Cops and Courts Reporter
41.    Take a simple two-way promise and turn it into several complicated one-way promises which neither side can understand or hope to fulfill: Lawyer
42.    Bring a little rain into the lives of flood victims: Government Debt Collector
43.    Have people spend far more than they estimated: Building Inspector
44.    Make sure nothing ever happens: IT Security
45.    Move things from one tube to another: Microbiologist
46.    Try not to kill the baby: Housewife
47.    Misinterpret the universe: Astronomer
48.    Be a human napkin: Stay-at-home mom of three
49.    Run away and call the police: Security Guard
50.    Copy and paste the Internet: Student

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